I'm Not Ok (I Promise)

Seriously, I'm not. I'm listening to an interesting little mix right now of Rocky Votolato, My Chemical Romance and Nirvana. I Think my favorite is I'm not ok by My Chemical Romance because the truth is I'm not. I'm pretty good at faking ok but I can feel myself slowly sinking down into an abyss that I'm not sure I'll come out of. Today was a snow day, no work. And what did Katie do with this free day? I slept and played video games. What a productive human being I am. And what did Katie do yesterday? I went with my friend on a little trip to the closed camp ground to check out the camper to make sure everything was still standing and we watched Doctor Who dvd's. As fun as it was I didn't get anything substantial done. I can honestly say that if I were given the chance to do yesterday over again I'd still drive to camp and watch Doctor Who with Eric but I'd definitely do today over again. I'm completely unmotivated these days and I don't know how to cure it, I know what causes it, I just don't know how to fix it. Stress is the problem. I guess my biggest worry right now is one of my family members. They don't like that I spend so much time with my friend. I don't know if it's because he's a guy or if it's because I'm actually doing things that "normal" people do. I've always been the kind of person who hides in my house all day and never goes out unless I absolutely have to. I've had friends but not many and most of my friends were like me,... shut ins with no personal life. Now I'm hanging out with Eric and I'm going places. He and I do a lot together like going to the movies, shopping, random car rides to anywhere, parties and clubs, dungeons and dragons on Friday nights... stuff like that. And we're always under criticism because,... come on, anyone know the answer,... I'm a girl and he's a boy. WE ARE NOT DATING. We've talked about it and both came to the conclusion that being friends is as far as we're going to go, just friends,... really close friends,... really really close friends,... Anyway it doesn't help my case that he and I are going out on Valentines day but we're not "going out". We're going to try to forget that we're both single and we're going to go to the movies to see the bloodiest most horrifying movie that we can find then we're going to one club or another to dance and get horrifically drunk. Well,... I'll probably be the designated driver so he'll get drunk and I'll wish that I could have just one shot. I've always preferred the company of boys to the company of girls because I'm a complete and total tomboy. I was raised by truckers and motorcyclers, there was always a big truck to play under, a bike to ride, and a mud puddle that was begging to be jumped in. I had more match box cars and GI Joe's than most of the boys on my street and my most prized possession was my ninja turtle collection. My parents gave me barbies but they became the giants that the six inch GI Joe team would fight and the dollhouse that I got on my sixth birthday was their base. Boys like this kind of stuff and being grown up I've discovered that my girl friends still gush over cute movie stars and clothes and makeup while I'm in the corner talking with the boys about the classic car sitting in the drive way or the latest bloodfest that was just released in the theater. I'm just more comfortable with guys.
Other worries include the fact that I'm three days, now four days, behind at work, I don't sleep anymore no matter what, I've completely fallen off this diet thing and cannot stop cramming my stupid face with salt and vinegar potato chips, I've been sick (actually got sick just after I wrote the last entry) and I'm still completely weak and still weak from the mono so running on the treadmill is exhausting and very very painful, my car is only two years younger than I am and I don't know how much longer it will live, I've lost all motivation to clean and the items in my house are slowly piling up around me, emotionally I'm fried to a crisp because of family, friend and personal problems that I just can't solve and I just can't seem to be able to pull myself out of the water to breath. Help! Can you hear me? HELP! I know that to anyone who reads this these problems may not seem like they're horribly depressing or stressful but I'm leaving a lot out because some things are just not ok to write about in a public place like this and you try handling yourself after not sleeping in like forever. Grrrr. I should probably go now,... I've read over this entry and it's nothing but ramblings and stuff that no one will read. If anyone does read this please, please, please feel free to leave a comment. Please... Goodnight!